Tough

 

This place where I live makes me tough. It makes me push past my fear repeatedly with a desire to lead a normal life, a desire to not be limited by bad roads, animals, accidents.

I have a perfect walking trail right behind my house. On days when the weather cooperates, I happily head out for an hour, knowing that my mind will be clearer and I’ll be more relaxed when I come back. My walks took a sinister turn a few years ago when my neighbors’ dogs decided I was threatening to their owners as I went to walk around them.  Both of the dogs bit me, hard, and I limped home with tears running down my face. I was injured first of all, but I was most upset that my sense of peace had been shattered. It took me awhile to go out alone for a walk. At first, I carried a stick, or sometimes rocks, weapons in both of my hands. Finally, I felt comfortable enough to carry only mace, first clutched into my tight fist at the ready, then tucked into a jacket pocket. I felt comfortable again. This weekend, from inside, we spotted a large coyote standing on the trail and I felt a little crack in my rebuilt confidence. I debated whether to go out today.

But I did. I had to. If we let fear rule our lives, no one would enjoy anything. Nothing would get done. My walk today was a little victory. I clutched my bright orange whistle in my left gloved hand and had the mace readily accessible to the right. I felt alive in the damp, cool air and dull light of January.

Baking Instincts

I would like to say that I’ve wholeheartedly embraced the idea of a new year. However, I still feel like I’m on the cusp of wrapping up 2011 and readying myself for this year. The good news is that I feel headed in the right direction.

In early December, I had a bit of a revelation. I hadn’t baked since the November farmers’ market, and I was starting my holiday truffle extravaganza. Brainstorming flavors and garnishes had started weeks earlier, but it wasn’t until I was actually in the kitchen that I felt entirely at peace. Happy to be back in the kitchen, making, happy to be working towards a goal, and happy to be working for myself.

This was a huge discovery because I’ve always enjoyed doing lots of different things (those of you who have known me for awhile might have taken out some of my origami cranes to hang on your tree this year!). Sometimes I still wonder what would’ve happened if I had followed my initial path of music or continued to make jewelry. I was not a naturally talented musician (and even verged on tone-deaf to some degree), and I really had to work at being an oboist. And it pains me to admit it, but I don’t think I’m a natural artist, either. I love making books (and I loved making jewelry), but everything I craft is too analytical and almost stubborn in demeanor. I couldn’t quite express myself in any of these pursuits.

Somehow, baking seems to be the most natural of all the things I have tried. I never took making sweets seriously because it was such an easy part of my life. I’m starting to come to terms with the baking thing and even expand the idea of it this year. I see 2012 as a challenging and fulfilling year for me once I’m ready to push full steam ahead.

We Were Not Alone

As I mentioned previously, it was just me and my husband for the holidays this year. We did not travel, and no one ventured to Vermont to visit. Despite the lack of actual family, our holiday were rich with familial memories in the form of food. There were Christmas cookies inspired by my Aunt Barb, peanut butter blossoms topped with milk chocolate Hershey’s kisses. Christmas dinner was an ode to Matt’s family, an Italian feast modeled on Ma Mia’s braciole, accompanied by fresh pasta, a winter caprese salad (made with our very own sun-dried cherry tomatoes), and a Meyer lemon semifreddo.

I got the urge to make latkes–my dad is Jewish, although this meal was generally the extent of our Hanukkah traditions while I was young. I followed this fabulous recipe and managed to utilize my CSA parsnips which would have languished in the veggie drawer for some time. For a New Year’s Eve get together with friends, I made trifle for dessert. My mom makes this nearly every year for Christmas Eve, so I had been scheming on how to fit it into the holiday festivities, preferably when other people could also enjoy it (and it wasn’t just us eating an entire bowl of dessert). Although I took some liberties with fruit choice and construction, the foundation of a pillowy hot milk sponge cake was my mom’s time-honored recipe. It tasted like home.

So, to those loved ones who I wasn’t able to see this year, you were with me anyway, despite the many miles of separation–I hope to see you soon.  I wish a bright and happy 2012 to all.